maygra | If you meme it they will come....TMI edition.

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meme

If you meme it they will come....TMI edition.

So, there's this meme. And there's a bunch of new people on my flist, and if you are new, in addition to this, I'd suggest that you check out the 100 and 10 things you should know about me. They haven't been updated recently, some of them are repetivie, but most of them still hold true. You will notice, with them and this, that there's really not a whole lot about myself I'm not willing to talk about. In truth, I'm sure some of my nearest and dearest would occasionally wish I would shut the hell up and talk about the weather or my cats. *g*

1. First Name: Valerie but I answer to Maygra and in the last few years, Maygra has seemed more me than Valerie. My family knows that name (it's the only email address I had for years) and they know why that name. (There' s no great story; it's the name of a character in an original novel I wrote that's never been published.)

2. Age: 48

3. Location: Atlanta, GA. Metro area, (specifically Duluth which means nothing outside of Minnesota).

4. Occupation: Office Manager/HR Administrator/Spackle girl. (I love my job. I have no ambitions and even less competitive spirit, but I do like being in a position to assist other people in being their best.)

5. Partner? Technically yes, I have a heterosexual life partner (see the other 10 things list); a domestic partner but not a love-of-my-life romantic or sexual partner. The partner is the Red Headed Demon Child (RHDC). We've been friends since college and have shared a living space for the past…sheesh…16 years.

6. Kids: None and never wanted any (except for about 24 hours in 1981 -- I blame the ~~flu~~ PMS). I am, however, a kickass aunt.

7. Brothers/Sisters: One older sister and brother and one younger brother. All of them have kids. Big Bro lives about an hour from me, the other sibs live about 8-9 hours away.

8. Pets: Hah. Hah ha. Ah hah ha ha ha ha, aaaaah, *faceplam*. (clears throat.) Currently 9 pets. Six cats: Pinklepurr (black DSH -- the eldest at 14), Obi-Wan (tiny yellow tom - our fairy kitty because of his tiny paws, he's about 9), C.C. (Calico, DSH, my mother's cat who I inherited, 8-ish). Pooh-bah -- sometimes called Bug, (seal-point Himalayan, the Heir Apparent, The Prince, His Highness, The GRAND Pooh-bah, 7-ish), Harry (big, pink-nosed, yellow tom, also the scaredy-cat for all that he's the biggest cat we have, 6-ish), Snufflufagus or Snuffy (Black DSH, the deceased roommate's cat, 5-ish). Three dogs: Mary (doberman/lab mix, smallish, around 11), Bits (rat terrier mix, about 9), and Marmie (Lab/rotty mix, a sweetheart, and probably 7ish.) Yes, they are all indoor animals. Yes, we have about 5 too many. Trust me when I say, there are times when we've had more, including the time when we had an entire spare bedroom filled with 30 kittens between 5 and 8 weeks old.) No, we are not a pet rescue organization, just really, really soft touches. I've put a kibosh on the stray retention policy over the last few years because we can't afford to keep them and we barely have time for the ones we have. Marmie originally came to us with three feral puppies which have found homes. Pinkie is the last of the 8 kittens we took in some 14 years ago. Up until the last couple of years we also had Pinkie's mom (Greta Greykitty), and Mary's sister Rose, as well as the last of my two early kits Mac and Murph and a Dalmation named Duncan and the most marvelous boxer/lab mix named Prudence. So yes, at one time we had, permanently, 9 cats and 6 dogs.

9. List the 3-5 biggest things going on in your life:

1. Trying to claw myself out of the debt that I've managed to accrue over the past 3-4 years. The debt by national standards isn't overwhelming, but I was, when I bought this house, almost completely debt-free except for the mortgage. No car payment, no credit card load…and I almost wish I could say the increased debt was because I was foolish and footloose and toured the world, but no. My annual income has decreased about 25 % since the end of 2006, and I've had some incredibly expensive bad luck and just stuff happen over the past two years. It took me at least a year just to adjust to the decreased income. Unfortunately, the cost of maintaining a house didn't also decrease with my income, and a good many costs have increased for me as they have for most people in the USA. Things are slightly better now or at least more stable, but I'm having to learn new, frugal habits and it's been a hard thing to do on top of everything else.

2. Trying not to revert to old ways of being. I was, in my younger days, pretty much a whiny, self-centered bitch. I know that's a loaded word but I don't have a better one. It's not that I was deliberately mean or cruel to people, only that I was so self-centered that I really had no idea how or even that I was affecting other people with my behavior. I was incredibly unhappy with myself, my life, and pretty much miserable. I finally took a look at my life and didn't like who I was, and didn't know why anyone else would want to be around me since I could barely stand myself. So I took steps to fix it. I got help, I learned a new way of thinking, of being. I learned to acknowledge the things about myself that I did like and identify those things I didn't and went about changing them. It's still very much a work in progress, and I've gone through rounds of depression, of professional therapy (both medicated and non-medicated versions). (And I may yet post about this whole process, if anyone is interested, or maybe just for myself to remember.)

There's been a lot of backsliding over the last couple of years, but I'm working on it. Because I like myself better when I'm optimistic, when I'm not as judgemental, when I listen more than I talk, when I'm excited about something every day, even small things. I prefer my life to be one of abundance rather than scarcity (and that has nothing to do with how much money I have in the bank or how much food I have in my pantry). I'm trying very hard to look at all the ways my life is rich and rewarding, instead of scrambling to find the resources to deal with the next crisis and feeling like there's not enough of me there to deal with it. I don't have to be HHJJ every moment of every day, but I remember a me who was not so riddled with anxiety and feelings of impending doom. I would like that woman back now, plz. KTHX!!

3. Writing: It is and always has been the biggest, most constant thing in my life. The problems I'm having in Item #2 are interfering with that gift, with that outlet, and it's making me insane and scaring the shit out of me, and more than anything else, that I'm struggling with it now to get the words out, makes me recognize that my life is off track.

10. Parents? My parents and grandparents on both sides are all gone. My mother died in 2003, which was a huge loss that I'm still dealing with, as my mom was also possibly my best friend in the whole world. Her parents both died when I was young and have only the barest memories of them. My father died in October of 1999 an his mother and father died in 97 and 95 respectively. I mention them because much of my life was spent in a home with my paternal grandparents very much part of our daily lives, from middle school up until my parents split after nearly 25 years of marriage. (No tears, it was well past time.) I do, occasionally, still miss my father, but not the way I do my mom. He and I had some incredibly rows over the years, with a lot of resentment on my side and I was less than gracious about stepping up to the plate when he got ill. I still had dinner with him, went over and visited, cleaned his apartment (like seriously) once or twice a month and stayed with him the night before he died. I've mostly reconciled to the fact that there was disappointment on both sides

My mother though…something I can't identify kind of broke inside me when she died. It's not fatal, and it's not necessarily just the loss of her friendship, but my mother was very much the compass in my life, the standard against which I measured a lot of things in my life and it was her counsel I sought when making big decisions -- not for her to decide but because she was incredibly adept at being able to lay things out side by side and look at all the angles. I'm not nearly as adept at it by myself. Plus, she was just an awesome person.

11. Who are some of your closest friends?

So, let me tell you a little story: Going back to Item #2 in the biggest things in my life at the moment; I spent a good deal of time (And not a little money) on making those improvements in myself that I wanted. The immediate end result was that I honestly think I became a better person, that people who already loved me no longer had to love me in spite of my selfishness. (Yes, I always had good qualities in that I've never been a particularly bad friend, daughter or sibling, just not necessarily an attentive one). I also, in liking myself much more, gained a lot of confidence in what I could and couldn't do, what wanted from both my life and my job prospects (not career -- please to be noting the lack of ambition -- I consider that Value Added, not a failure or weakness.) I worked on this pretty solidly for nearly 10 years, and then I was rewarded with fandom.

Yes, I know that sounds odd, but that's how I feel. Even among my existing friends and social contacts, I still felt a little strange because I was writing all the time even then. Not necessarily well, but constantly and I had stories to tell, which I ended up telling mostly to myself. I literally got online because a friend of mine had been, and had found some Highlander fanfiction, and since we were both kind of crazy about the show, she thought I might like it. I did and was kind of quietly squeeing because see, I had been writing Highlander stories for a couple of years all by my lonesome, with no idea of what fanfiction was. The idea that other people were doing the same thing and sharing it was a huge big revelation to me. So, I poked and had my friend print me off stories and after the initial glee, I kind of noticed that some of what I was reading wasn't actually very good. I mean, good stories but kind of…underdeveloped? Awkwardly phrased? The Impression of people who had things to say but really hadn't ever written much before? There was, no doubt, a certain amount of arrogance in my assessment. I could do better. At least I thought so, but posting that first story was still very nerve-wracking and despite my thoughts, I really wasn't all that confident that people would like my stories any better or even as much as other people's stories.

But I posted. Then I posted again. And then I started meeting people and talking to people.

macgeorge1 and

wickedwords and

merryish and

brynwulf and

adonnchaid,

traveller and

destina,

devonhoneybee and

killabeez,

thisisbone, and

whatthefaith and

sharon_marais and

dargie, just a ton of people. Not everyone I conversed with became firm friends, but then early in 97, that same friend and I headed to the DC Area for a con and I got to meet some of these people in person.

I have friends for life in some of these people, some of these amazing, creative, talented, giving, smart, funny women. These are people I travel across the country to see when I can. These are people who showed up at my house after my mother died, people who have prayed, laughed, cursed, and argued with me about things and come back for more. These are people who know more about me than my remaining family does, and who I also feel like I know, am privileged to know in ways that only people they really trust and love do. These are people who can always find a place to stay, or help from me if I can, who will always find a plate at my table, fresh towels in the bathroom, and kitty for their laps if they want one. These are women I would drive to the Atlanta airport in the middle of the night, to keep them company for a two hour layover if they wanted, or across the country if they needed help (hiding the bodies or just painting the bathroom).

I have people I consider close that I've only recently met (within the last five years); people like

ixchel55,

fiercy,

gekizetsu, and

girlguidejones,

ethrosdemon and

estrella30. (Yes, I'm leaving people off, lots of them, like

batdina and

leela_cat, and

shoshonna whose friendship is something entirely else.)

And yes, I have friends locally too, including the RHDC, and a friend, B, who went through the same kind of self realization and learning process I did. People I've been friends with for years, from when I was actively involved in theatre.

I'd like to think these friendships are going to last. Most of us are a little older, some already retired or about to. These are the people I go to for advice, or reassurance, or just when I need to laugh. Lately, I haven't been quite as reciprocal about that as I want to be so I am working to fix it. Because see, I really think of all these marvelous women (and others like them) as rewards of a sort for getting my shit together enough so that when I met them, I was a person they could like. That they could love. I didn't do it all for them, but it was an indicator to me of how much I was getting it right.

So, when you ask who are some of my closest friends, all I can say is that my close friends are not really numerable, more they are a bouquet of flowers, great fragrances, prickles and thorns alike. I can spread them out like sunshine in my house or gather them all together for one amazing display of joy.

The thing is, I genuinely like people. Nearly every person I meet is a potential BFF, someone who could be amazing, someone who in my life's journey, I feel like I'm meant to meet for one reason or another. It doesn't always turn out that way, but that's part of what I learned, part of my life I want to get back.

I know I need to do it for myself, but honestly, while I don't think I owe my friends to be a better person, it really is a better motivator to maintain their love and respect than just being unhappy and not doing anything to fix it.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

you said that there are things in your life that are really scaring you these days, but i just want you to know that i think you are fantastically brave. that's for a lot of reasons, but ultimately just. yis.

♥

I love you incredibly, enormously, and with poor grammar. ♥

Completely returned and thank god one of us has grammar sense, because otherwise we'd just be embarrassing. *g*

I meant MY poor grammar! hah! :D :D

*glomps on you with ridiculous fervor*

Hunh. I haven't spilled my guts in quite some time. I may have to when I get home tonight!

I heartily encourage gut spilling. Some days, it really is like taking out the garbage.

You can make me tear up faster than anyone I know. In a good way.

*mwah*. A blessing you are to me, meglet.

i don't really know you all that well, can only comment on your writing... which is fan-fucking-tastic. every fandom i've seen you in, every story i've seen you be a part of - they're all incredible. and while i don't make a habit of following authors to new fandoms, for you, i'd even read SPN... if you wrote it. because i know you'd do it right. (almost wrote 'write'! which is true also.)

anyway, thank you for being in the world. you're one cool lady.

-bs

I read the 100, the ten, and now the - 12? - here. Ditto what Boogie says.

psst: we met in 1997! really and truly!

6. Kids: None and never wanted any (except for about 24 hours in 1981 -- I blame the flu). I am however, a kickass aunt.

I'm a kickass Aunt too, even though none of my sibs have had kids (yet, I suspect the youngest is going to very soon now, but that's just suspicion on my part and not confirmed). Anyway, the only five minutes I've ever regretted not having kids was at my mother's graveside. Emptiness was what I felt then, I think: no one above, no one below. But then I do have someone at my side, so I'm mostly okay now.

Besides, I have fifty kids every year. Or I did. Maybe that's what so hard about leaving this job ... hm.

Much love from over here!

Did we. I wasn't sure, because I thought we met at Escapade in '98 and I was quite honestly so kind of overwhelmed at Syndicon in 97, I have a hard time remembering who I met there outside of Eng & MacGeorge and the SmutGrrls. (And then it yes, all blurs together into Escapade.)

I am so glad you got to go con.txt. Even though I'm not there, the whole East coast seems much better somehow *g*

...or do a drive-by pick-up in Virginia Highlands during SummerFest. A true sacrifice! ;)

Weekends at

killabeez' house remain the fannish pinnacle for me. I know she's relocated, but that place and space are still incredibly vivid to me as the place where fandom came out of the computer and took up residence on a watermelon leather couch.

Hi, I thought I'd take the chance to say hello and hope you don't mind that I friended you? I've loved your writing since Unfinished Business (it was the first fanfic I read in the TFATF fandom) and I’ve finally just let myself get dragged into Supernatural (yes I’m kind of late xD ). I’m not expecting you to friend me back, unless you’d like to of course... I usually tend to friend people for the fanfic/recs, but I tend to stick around for everything else XD

Absolutely friend and friended back. I've an open policy, I just tend not to look at my flist so people need to tell me *g*. And thank you. I love that you enjoyed my stories. LOVE it.

Thank you XD there's probably not much on my journal that you would want to read at the moment anyway. I might get around to writing some Supernatural fic sometime, but it's a while since I finished anything to the point where is was postworth xD

Dear Maygra,

We've never met, and considering I live in New Zealand we probably never will! But you and your stories have brought a lot of joy into my life. I'm only in SPN fandom because of you. I was unable to resist reading one of your stories and it all kind of snowballed from there.

So thank you for your wonderful words, both stories and generous spirited posts alike.

Huh. I got into fandom in exactly the same way--writing Highlander stories for myself (and my brother) before I ever knew there was such a thing as fanfic. My husband stumbled across a Highland sig and printed out a FAQ for me. I ordered some 'zines and it went on from there. I think in the end I only ever sent off one of my stories for publication before I segued into another fandom, but the 'zine editor who edited my story was fantastic and gave me my first introduction to what good editing can do for a story and a writer. I wonder if I have anything you wrote in one of the 'zines I bought, or did you only publish on the internet?

Fandom kind of took a back seat to rl for several years after that--years where I was kind of a mess of anxiety, depression and negativity (sound familiar?). But once I clawed my way out of that--with a little help from meds and lot from my husband, there was Supernatural, and some fanfiction of a quality and level of sophistication that astonished me. Yours was among the very best and helped bring me to lj, where I have made some virtual friends I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

Thanks for sharing your talent and your heart.

You're an intriguing and fun person and I'm glad we occasionally collide on the journey!

Heterosexual life partner, yes. I get that. Glinda and I have pretty much thrown in our lots together, and have become life partners. It's a Good Thing.

I love what you say about friendships; it's so beautiful and so true.

Hi! I just want you to know I lost my Mom this year, febuary 5th. I had basal cell carcinoma surgery on my face at 9:30 a.m., got home at 3:30. My little sis called at 5:30., it's a 2 hour drive. Mom died 15 minutes before I got there. So, yeah. If you figure out what's broke? Please let me know. I just cannot get over it. Way harder even than I imagined.

;

I'm very sorry for your loss and your fears. I wish I could tell you what broke, and what works best as glue or workaround or just numbing agent. I can only tell you that my friends all told me things would get better with time and they have to some extent. For me, it's been much like I imagine an adjustment to someone missing an arm or leg or part of their sight would be. Life doesn't stop, and you learn to work around and cope with the piece that's missing, but you never (or I have as yet) forget that it's gone or what it felt like to be whole.

Oddly enough I missed both my father's actual death by about a half hour and my mother by an hour. I n both cases I'd been there all night, and one of my siblings came to relieve me only to call me shortly after I returned home. I was adamant that our parents not die alone if at all possible, but it didn't have to be me for those last moments. I just wanted them to know someone was watching them start their new journey.

So, I can't promise you will get over it. I can say form experience that you will learn to work around it eventually, and that you should completely ignore anyone who tries to tell you you've grieved long enough.

d'aaaawwww

thanks for including me in that list hon.

I will try to get to doing my own list later this evening or tomorrow.
It's the weekend \0/

HUGS

I knew I liked you before Maygra, but all that you just wrote confirms it.

We don't really know each other that well (if really at all) but a sense of you comes through and...well I don't really know where to go with this sentence now. *feels like a dork*

You are such an amazing, wonderful person, and I'm so glad I was invited into your life.

I hear you about feeling like fandom is a reward. Me, I feel like fandom is a gift (which I bear some responsibility for helping to keep shiny; I'm not just a passive recipient of it), and getting to know people like you through it is the best part of that gift. Hugs.

You are one of the most amazing people I've ever met, and I'm grateful every day for knowing you.

Less seriously but just as heartfelt: I want to be you when I grow up.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

If you meme it they will come....TMI edition.

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